Secrets from “The Other Woman”: Secret # 2
Secret #2: Be his lover.
For many of us, we’ve become so much of a wife or a mother that we forget we are also a lover. That word conjures up images of sensuality, slow seductions, and scintillating pleasure—things that are not associated with the person we see in the mirror. But there’s so much more to a lover than bringing sexual fulfillment.
To be his lover you must speak his love language.
You know someone really loves you when they do the things that you consider to be loving. However, if they did something they thought was loving but doesn’t have much meaning to you, you would likely not even see the gesture as love, let alone accepting it as such. Well, that’s what you need to consider when you are loving your husband! The reality is that there are many different ways to express love and many different things equate to love—and not everyone counts the same things as love.
A person tends to give love in the way that he or she wants to receive love. Why? Because that’s what love is to them! That is why spouses often argue about whether there is love in the relationship. “You don’t even love me!” one spouse will say. And the partner usually responds with “What do you mean I don’t love you? Of course, I love you: I’ve worked hard so I can provide for our family!” At which point, the first partner will shoot back, “But you never tell me that you love!”
When you love someone, you want to demonstrate that love to them. The most effective demonstration is the one that is received as love. To be your husband’s lover, you need to study him to understand what Gary Chapman (The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts) calls the “love language” your husband speaks, understands, and wants from you. Chapman identified five different love languages and explained that most people have one primary or top way they see love, although most people have a combination of them.
Here are the five love languages (numbered for ease of reference but not in any particular order).
#1: Words of Affirmation: verbal praise, words of love and appreciation. Hearing encouraging and uplifting words demonstrates love. Words speak loader than actions.
#2: Quality Time: spending quality time and being the focus of their undivided attention; undivided attention, spending uninterrupted/undistracted time together. You can be sitting talking together or doing something fun and exciting together.
#3: Receiving Gifts: love is equated with a tangible gift or getting something that shows you put careful thought and time to find the perfect gift for him, which conveys to him that he is known by you, that you care for him, and that you value him more than whatever was sacrificed in order to give him the gift
#4: Acts of Service: helping out, doing things for him. The little and big things that you do lessen his load, to help him out, and to partner with him in getting things done. Actions speak loader than words.
#5: Physical Touch: everyday physical connections, like handholding, pats on the back, hugs, kisses, and any type of re-affirming or encouraging physical contact. This can include but is not about sexual contact.
This is not an exhaustive list, and there are other variations on Chapman’s five love languages. You or your husband may have a love language that doesn’t seem to fit under any of these categories. In that case, you can add that love language to your list. The important thing is for you to learn to speak your husband’s love language. If you don’t know what his love language is, ask him!
So, get to know your husband well, and love him as he desires to be loved. Be his lover by loving him well!
To be his lover you must prioritize physical intimacy.
And of course, the most obvious way to be your husband’s lover is to be his partner in the physical pleasures of your relationship. For most couples, physical attraction and sexual chemistry were crucial factors that brought them together in the first place, and physical intimacy was enjoyable and prioritized. Physical intimacy can be holding hands, caressing his face, stroking his arm, hugging, snuggling, touch, and sexual intercourse.
Over time physical intimacy can diminish and the sexual aspect of the marriage can become more of a duty or chore than an exciting, vibrant part of the relationship. Many things can derail the priority of physical intimacy. Perhaps the daily demands of raising children, career and work, household duties, and other responsibilities take up your precious time and energy. Perhaps declining health or physical challenges restrict sexual activity. Perhaps the growing pile of hurts and unresolved disagreements creates emotional distance and declining desire for intimacy of any kind. For numerous reasons, physical intimacy can fade into the background, leaving one or both partners with unfulfilled needs and desires.
Perhaps the fear (and disdain) we have of the mistress is that she is the perfect lover who is eager, willing, and skillfully able to meet sexual desires that we no longer can. And yet, if men cheat more often because they are not getting emotional connection at home, then perhaps it is not the sexual allure of the mistress but the emotional bonding that steals his affection and ignites exciting sexual connection.
Wives are the legitimate lovers of their husbands, connecting with them in the emotional as well as physical realm. Therefore, a very important part of being your husband’s lover is to enjoy physical intimacy with him— appreciating, enjoying, and prioritizing it. If physical connection and sexual gratification is important to your husband, you can strengthen your marriage by being a full partner in the physical intimacy side of the relationship.
One way to show appreciation for this part of your relationship is to make time for it. This shows your husband that it is a priority to you as well as it is to him.
Another way to enjoy physical pleasure with your husband is to be more adventuresome in the bedroom. It’s important to learn what he likes and what you like. This will enhance the sexual experience for both of you.
Relax and be comfortable in your own skin. Interestingly, in M. Gary Neuman’s study of cheating husbands, only 12% of the cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife. What this means is that a man doesn't usually cheat because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. Cultivate your own personal growth; the healthier you are as an individual, the healthier you will be in the relationship.
Remember these two secrets that can either be used by someone else to lure your husband away from you—or that you can use to build your marriage into a strong and healthy one that will withstand the temptation of the other woman:
#1: Be your husband’s friend.
#2: Be your husband’s lover.